


Breathe

by butterfly23



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24611716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterfly23/pseuds/butterfly23
Summary: “Why don’t we all go on a mini-vacation? Nowhere fancy, but just… just to breathe.”
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. One

I could see it. Smell it. Hear it. Damp, but dry. Cold, but warm. It was engulfing me and overtaking my body with bright lights and stars. Growing, it was blinding. Blinding so much that I had to squint and hold my arm up in an attempt to shield myself. Then it was dark.

Pinpricks of light. A golden yellow. A golden glow. Shining down on me. My body was numb and my mind was frighteningly clear. A rush of blood was flowing through my veins and floating with me, a smile on my face as I gazed up at the darkness. 

Then, my floating body found gravity. The darkness turned into a pale colour, a soft substance beneath my shoes. I was surrounded by people. People of all shapes and sizes and ages, all looking towards one thing. A calm sea of water in front of us. Their emotionless faces focused on the mass of water calling their name. At first, I couldn’t make out why they were shuffling towards this thing, but then after looking… I understood.

It was beautiful. Blue’s and green’s and yellow are reflecting off the surface like glitter. My head tilted as I smiled at the gorgeous colours. It felt right. It felt like destiny. 

Carefully, I lifted my foot. One in front of the other. Towards the heavenly surroundings. Following the people. 

But I wasn’t moving. Instead, I was sinking. The soft substance beneath my shoes was slowly rising and swallowing my legs. Panicking, I looked to the floor and then to the people. I shouted out. Screamed until my lungs were on fire. Screamed until I felt physically sick.

Then the substance was up to my neck, chin, nose and eyes. 

Falling. Into a pit.

A spotlight illuminated me as I lay on the floor and took in the lack of my new surroundings. My body was comfortable and warm as if I had just woken up from a long night of uninterrupted sleep. I was content. I couldn’t smile or cry or feel anything… I couldn’t even move, but that was okay. I lay there and wait for the unknown.

A shock.

Two.

Three.

Air. 

The starry night had been replaced with the cold concrete and flashing lights around me, my head turning to be met with the sight of a lifeless body.


	2. Two

I met my wife when I was 18 years old in a bowling alley, kids running around at their birthday party and the smell of greasy pizza filling the air. Jenna was beautiful. Kind. Gorgeous. Funny. Smart. But vulnerable. That’s what I love about Jenna. She showed me a side that wasn’t quite sure of herself and she trusted me with that. As time went on and we grew closer together, that side of her remained. It didn’t come out as often but I knew it was still there by how she spoke or acted and when it did appear, I made sure I was there to help her through that moment. 

Our wedding day was no different. Although I saw nothing but beauty behind those sky blue eyes and wavy golden hair, I could see that she was scared. We did speak about it after and she explained that was nervous about not being enough for me.

“You are my everything,” I told her, holding her hands before we had to rejoin the party of many. 

That smile which comforted me appeared and took over my own face, too. It was our wedding, but I wanted nothing more than for it to be her special day. To make her feel as if she was a princess. I loved that day.

Marrying young wasn’t in the book of ‘Tyler Joseph’s Life Plan’, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. By the time I was 22, Jenna and I had been married a year and we were purchasing our first place together. Well… by purchasing, I meant renting. A small one-bedroom apartment in the middle of Colombus, Ohio. We were both on minimum wage jobs working hours that made us feel sick, but we were together. 

“What would you like for breakfast, love?” Jenna shouted from the kitchen, the sound of a sizzling pan nearly blocking her.

Now, being married 6 years and having worked our asses off, we had somewhere we could call home. A place we could settle. A beautiful 3 bedroom house on the outskirts with a garden of our dreams.

“I’m okay with cereal, thanks.”

I heard Jenna mumble something and I chuckled. I knew that she would cook up something for me either way. Looking after me was her priority, even though I often argued.  
Working my way up the career ladder was strange for both of us. Eventually, I stumbled across the idea of freelancing and working for myself which I fell in love with. I write for a living for my clients. Sometimes short sentences, sometimes paragraphs. Websites, advertisements and even a few scripts. Nothing major, but it was something I enjoyed. 

As always, a cooked breakfast was brought to the table and gently placed in front of me. My stomach growled and Jenna planted a kiss on my cheek, rubbing my back before returning to the kitchen. Today, we were attending a birthday party for my best friend’s daughter. Sophia was turning 10 and although she was young, she was incredibly mature for her age. Her Mom passed away when she was 6 which lead her through a dark patch together with her Dad, Josh. 

Josh. Ever since high school, he had been my best friend. Sure, we drifted for a while and he kind of went down the route of smoking and drugs but he hadn’t touched anything since the day he was told he would be a Dad. At 17, he turned his life around. He came to me and asked if we could still be friends. Believing in second chances, I nodded. Then came the death of Sophia’s Mom, and he retreated back into his shell. He didn’t go back to drugs or smoking, but it was as if the life inside of him had been switched onto standby. 

Jenna was practically Sophia’s Mom. Josh and Sophia would come round often and we would go to the movies together, giving them both a break from the difficult years ahead. Jenna wouldn’t agree, but I believe that Sophia got through the years after her Mom’s death because of Jenna. The little things like going clothes shopping together or having hair plaiting sessions pulled the tiny girl through. Josh on the other hand? I was still working on that situation.


	3. Three

“Josh text, he’ll be here with Sophia in half an hour.” I heard Jenna speak from the kitchen.

I responded with a mumble of an ‘okay’ and the sound of my cutlery clinking the plate. I love my wife’s cooking.

Shortly after I sealed the envelope shut and the ribbon was tied, a bundle of joy came running into the living room giggling and blowing on a party hooter thing. Annoying, but cute.

“It’s the birthday girl!” Jenna squealed, catching the excited kid in her arms. “How are you?! Are you excited?”

The girl nodded, teeth beaming and bouncing up and down even while hugging Jenna. I smiled and stood from the chair, making my way over to the small girl.

It was my turn. I nudged Jenna out of the way politely and brought the bundle in for a hug. “Hey, Soph, Happy Birthday.” 

“Thanks, Ty.” she responded, pretending to be cool and calm. Ty. My nickname from Jenna and also a 10-year-old. Sophia thought to have nicknames was cool. So, in turn, I often called her Soph.

The energy in the room shifted as Josh walked in, smiling a little and holding his hand up to say hi. A black hoodie and ripped jeans matched his zoned out mood, a cap just low enough to cover any expression he attempted to make. I could still make out the prominent bags under his eyes, though, and he barely made a noise apart from his footsteps pattering on the wooden floor.

“Hey, Josh.” Jenna smiled, pulling him in for a quick hug.

I did the same, knowing that he just wanted this day to be over. “Good to see you, dude.”

He nodded, “You too.”

“Okay,” came from Jenna, a clap of the hands to show that we meant business. “Shall we head over to the trampoline park and then do presents?”

The little girl’s jaw dropped in… well, half surprise and half excitement at the mention of trampoline, park and present in the same sentence. I laughed at how she contained such energy this time of the morning, but I admired it. It was decided that we would get to the park first, have some time there and then do presents. To be honest, I think I was just as excited about the trampoline park as Sophia was.

As a little kid, I remember playing a game called seat drop on the trampoline with my neighbours. They were all taller, heavier and older than me. The aim of the game is to all bounce and then seat drop at the same time, sending the lightest and littlest (aka me) soaring up higher than the recommended jumping height. I actually broke my collar bone once playing the game… Mom wasn’t too happy, as we had managed to squeeze 10 kids in the neighbourhood onto our trampoline and of course, I went flying during the game and practically over the fence.   
I assure you, my plan with Sophia wasn’t quite the same. Although I would love to play the game again, I keep reminding myself that I am a grown man who is a lot heavier than a 10-year-old. 

The memories made me laugh and nostalgic, but I also knew that we would make some new ones. Perhaps even cooler. 

Instead, after ensuring we had put on our gravity-defying socks provided by the park, Sophia had decided she would like to jump into one of the foam pits and do a somersault.   
This kid was a daredevil.

“A somersault! I’m going to be in the next space movie!” she yelled, bouncing up and down even though she was on the solid ground still.

Jenna chuckled and looked to me, her arm being pulled by Sophia. I shrugged and made my way over to the foam pit, adjusting my t-shirt before stepping up to the ledge. I made my way onto the bouncy surface and started to jump, the squealing behind me getting louder as I got higher.

As light as a feather, I made one leap and flipped into the foam. I was engulfed quickly after being disorientated with foam triangles up, right and centre. It was only when I had regained my sense of gravity that I realised I was lying on my back, foam covering me. 

Clapping assisted me to find my way out, the foam being pushed out the way as Sophia had made her way to where I had just jumped. I smiled and bowed as best I could, Jenna looking as if I had just jumped off a cliff.

“You did it, Ty! I want to do that!” 

Jenna, still attached to Sophia, cleared her throat. “This is going to be an interesting day.”

All while I started to teach Sophia how to flip, Josh watched from the sidelines. An obvious made-up excuse was given why he couldn’t jump, but I respected his wish for wanting to sit and watch. I never wanted to force him to do anything as at the end of the day, it was him that needed to pull himself out of this. I was there for support and anything to help him with, but he needed to do it his way. 

Every so often, I glanced over in his direction to check on him. From a distance, he looked pale and tiny. A different person. I had wondered if we’d ever see the real Josh again on various occasions. 

“Okay, I’m ready,” Sophia announced. She stepped a little closer to the edge. “I’m going to do it.”

I smiled, “Alright! You can do it. Just remember to pull your knees in tight, okay?”

Jenna stood back and held her breath. 

“I’ll be right beside you. On the count of 3.”

Sophia adjusted her position and started to bounce.

Once she had gained enough height, I started to count in sync with her bounces.

“1, 2, 3!” 

Just like that, she flipped effortlessly into the foam pit. Jenna erupted with clapping and cheering, releasing the breath that was being held. I joined in as Sophia resurfaced, a blank expression turning into happiness as she realised what she had just done.

“You learnt from the best,” I mumbled, Jenna still preoccupied with congratulating her. 

I pulled Sophia out of the pit and pat her on the back, the little girl turning to Jenna. 

“Your turn, Jenna!”

Among the occasional screams and yells from other kids in the park, I honestly thought I heard Jenna’s heart drop at the sentence just said. I couldn’t help but laugh… and agree.

“Sophia’s right, it’s your turn.”

Trying to hide my mischievous smile, I failed. Jenna stared at me blankly.

“Uh, no.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Please, Jenna?” Sophia asked. “If you believe, as I did, then you can do it too. Like me and Ty!”

Taking my wife’s hand, I nodded and tugged her towards the edge. 

“I strongly dislike you.” I heard her mumble.

Jenna hated the word hate. Or, in her words, strongly disliked the word hate. It made me laugh when she refused to use it in a simple sentence. 

“I love you too, wife.”

It took us a lot longer to get Jenna to do what Sophia had accomplished. After many belly flops, falls and even a jump which took me in with her, all 3 of us had somersaulted into the foam pit. A perfect way to end the session was with a dodgeball game on the trampolines, my fatherly side coming out and forcing itself to unknowingly forfeit the game to my two favourite girls. 

Sweating and gasping for a drink, we reunited with Josh and moved on to the presents.


	4. Four

The following day, our joints ached a little and we laughed about the memories that were made. Josh and Sophia left shortly after dinner the night before, Jenna and I staying up and watching a movie before falling asleep peacefully. 

Working on a website project for one of my clients, I noticed my mind wander more. Usually, I could sit and get a good hour or two of work done before my body needed to change position. 

Today, my eyes glued to anything which wasn’t my laptop screen. My fingers tapped.

I could write well. Part of being freelance for me is that I have to be good at selling myself and putting what I can do on a pedestal. I did like what I wrote. But sometimes… I needed a little more. 

Jenna and I didn’t keep secrets. On our wedding day, we had a long discussion about keeping things from one another. Not in a negative way, but positive. I explained that no matter what it was, we could talk about it. If Jenna didn’t want to, we could just leave it be. I just wanted to let her know that she wasn’t alone in anything she went through. We often revisited this conversation. Again, in a good way.

We knew a lot about each other and were honest. I think that’s why we loved each other so much. We could keep our distance but also let each other know that they weren’t alone. We respected space.

Flicking my eyes up to see the shadow of Jenna in the kitchen, I knew the coast was clear. There was a tiny secret I kept from her, and I’m not sure why, but it sat in front of me when I couldn’t work with a clear mind.

Every few months, I would get a block that I would have to push through to meet deadlines with clients. That block left me feeling drained and stuck, even though I had passed through it.   
Today was no different, but I had passed the block a few weeks ago. To build myself back up again, I was returning to my novel. 

Instantly, my fingers found words again and my heart hummed. The smoke had cleared and I had managed to escape in this fictional world for a while, adding 3 pages to my 223-pages-so-far book. The plan was to publish it and eventually tell Jenna. But something in me was scared to show the weak side of me in the writing. Characters which I had made up off of my insecurities. Morals. Challenges. All from my head.

I knew she wouldn’t judge me, but I was still scared.

'He knew that if he were to survive this, he would have to first kill his mind.'

The sentence which last left my mind and fingers lingered on the page, my eyes stuck to it. I was in a trance which was interrupted by the doorbell.

Jenna hummed along to a tune as she approached the door, my laptop being closed as I stood to see who the visitor was. The calm mood was flipped into chaos as Sophia came bundling through the door as Jenna opened it, sobbing. She ran straight into my arms as I caught her, confused and looking for an answer. 

Jenna was torn between comforting Sophia and going outside to greet Josh. Sophia’s dad was inside his truck, hands gripping onto his steering wheel with the engine still roaring.   
Josh would never hurt or yell at Jenna. I truly believed that and so did she. My wife made her way out to the truck slowly, making sure Josh knew she was approaching. Through the gap in the door, I witnessed her speaking to him through the window and his eyes never leaving the steering wheel. It looked calm, but I knew Josh was struggling.

“What happened, Soph?” I gently asked, kneeling down in front of her and moving her hair out of the way. “Talk to me.”

Her red cheeks and bloodshot eyes contrasted her pale complexion. She couldn’t speak. The sobs were restricting her breaths and I knew she had to calm down. Before Jenna could return, we made our way into the living room where I sat her down and brought her some water. It was in her favourite cup, but it didn’t help. I sat beside her, the poor kid clutching onto a pillow as she tried to catch some air. 

It broke my heart to see her like this. I dread to think about what Josh had done.

The front door closed and Jenna walked into the room, her hand running through her hair as a breath was let out.

“Okay, you’re staying here tonight, honey,” she said, kneeling in front of her. “We’ll get you some dinner and we’ll watch a movie, okay?”

The girl nodded and Jenna’s eyes switched to me. 

“We’ll be back in a second, I just need to talk to Ty real quick.”

Jenna made sure we were close but far enough away so the girl couldn’t hear us. There was no sign of Josh.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Jenna sighed, “She just needs to stay here the night. Josh said she had a panic attack while they were out and I’m sure he yelled at her to stop.”

My eyebrows furrowed, “He yelled at her to stop having a panic attack?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. He wouldn’t say he yelled or lost it but you could tell…”

Her sentence trailed off into sadness.

“I’ll talk to her about it later, but we just need to make her feel at home and comfortable.”

I nodded, scratching my head. It threw me back to the time when I had a panic attack in gym class and Josh didn’t leave my side until I was okay. He knew what to do… so why didn’t he with   
his own daughter?

After a quiet dinner, Sophia was lying on the sofa with her head on a pillow in my lap. Jenna was the other end by her feet, glancing over to her every so often to make sure she was okay. Eventually, she fell asleep. No matter how interesting the movie was. 

“Do you think Josh is okay?”

Jenna looked down and bit her lip.

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand either, Ty.”

My hand made itself busy brushing the hair carefully away from Sophia’s face while she slept. My head made itself busy trying to think of what would happen the next day when Sophia went home. I only hoped that Josh had thought about it and calmed down himself because he can’t drop his kid off with other people every time he’s hurting or has messed up. I’m not saying we won’t ever help or take Sophia, but for his daughter’s sake, he needed to change. I needed to help him.


	5. Five

Sophia returned home the next day without a hitch as if nothing had happened. I felt something fall in my stomach as she walked out the front door with Jenna, knowing that she was going back to Josh who really wasn’t okay. All I could do was remind myself that Josh was an adult and he knew he could come to us.

“Ty, do you think this is okay?”

It had been a week since Sophia’s panic attack and sleepover. We hadn’t seen either of them, but we called every day. It seemed to be going okay. 

Jenna and I had decided to take a day to ourselves. Or, rather, an evening. My wife was such a good cook that we usually didn’t leave the house to eat, but tonight we decided to make an event of it and head to our favourite restaurant. 

Every time she stepped out of our walk-in closet, I was in awe. Tonight, she was wearing a yellow dress which hugged her body, the bottom flowing effortlessly as she walked. Tiny, white daisies were printed onto the fabric and her neck was outlined with a simple gold necklace I had given her. She was gorgeous.

Smiling, I stood. My arms held out in front of me and beaconed her to come closer. As she did, I held her waist as I planted a kiss on her cheek.

“Beautiful. Like a sunrise.”

Jenna never blushed. She just took it in and made that look on her face. Briefly looking down before smiling uncontrollably. 

“How about your guy?” I asked, stepping back and twirling as she would sometimes when showing off a new outfit.

Her hand flew to her mouth at my attempt of a twirl, laughter being kept in.

“Beautiful. Like a sunset,” she mumbled through the giggles.

I was in a shirt, trousers and tie. Nothing dramatic, but different from the usual hoodie and jeans. I smiled and held my hand out, adjusting my tie.

“Shall we, Mrs Joseph?”

She took my hand, brought it up to her lips and kissed the back of it. 

“Let’s go, Mr Joseph.”

The restaurant was quiet. There weren’t a lot of bodies or noise, which is why I liked it there so much. The food was amazing, but the atmosphere sold it for me. I could actually have a conversation without an arguing couple or angry customer. Jenna admitted that she liked the quiet, too. 

When talking with Jenna, you could go on for hours. She knew so much about the strangest of things like the distance between Los Angeles and Iceland. Where to buy the best ice cream in each town. Who holds the world record for the longest hair. 

I remember when we first started talking. I would call her up and 3 am, too sleepy to say hello but too awake to sleep. I wanted to listen to her. Breathing or speaking, I needed to have her in my space. After a while, we did start having normal conversations during daytime hours. But they still meant the same. Hours would pass where we spoke about the things that no one is brave enough to discuss. Life, death, dreams, hopes. Are we alone in the universe? What planet would you be? Who would we be in a different life?

In some ways, I feel as if Jenna is a kind of therapy for me. Her calming voice knows what to say when I’m full of a dark cloud and dirty water. That’s where I understand Josh’s pain. For me, I couldn’t live without Jenna. With Josh, he’s lost his Jenna but gained a child who reminds him of her every day. I empathise with him, but I also know that he has got to get through this for Sophia.

“Every time I come here, I’m reminded why we pick this place again and again,” I mumble, scraping the last remains of warm cookie dough and ice cream dessert. “But I’ve got to say… yours is better.”

Jenna shrugged it off, “Man, I wish I had the recipe for this apple pie.”

“What’s wrong with your apple pie?”

A huff came from her and her spoon was placed on the table. “It’s all soggy.”

“I like it soggy.”

Not caring for my preferences, she studied the last piece of pie on her plate.

“But this one is so… crispy. Golden.”

“Are you going to eat that or just stare at it until it grows mould?”

No response. Her eyes continued to inspect as her spoon was picked up again, a firm prod confirming that it was indeed… crispy.

With a swift movement, my own spoon swooped in and pick up the last bite. I shoved it into my mouth before Jenna could protest. All she did was let her jaw drop as I munched the sweetness.

“Seriously, Tyler?”

I smiled, cheeks full.

“That was rude.”

“You love me.” I managed to get out through the mush in my mouth. 

It sounds gross, but it tasted good. Trust me.

“I do, but now you owe me an apple pie.” 

Jenna sulked until we got out of the restaurant and found that it was raining. It had been washed away down the road and replaced with a shriek as the water hit our bodies, my shirt instantly turning almost transparent from the liquid. I felt it drip from my head and down my face, weaving around my eyebrows and nose. It was cold.

“It’s not meant to be raining!” I heard her yell, desperately trying to find the car keys.

“It’s a sign! It’s God telling you to forgive me for eating your apple pie.” 

She shot a look that could kill in my direction, pulling the keys out of her purse.

“Let the water wash away everything that I’ve done, Jenna.”

Smiling, I couldn’t help but tease her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her before she could run to the car which ended in a protest, but I didn’t let go.

“I love you.” I blurted out, the rain deafening my words as they found Jenna’s ears. “I love you, Jenna Joseph. I love you and the soggy apple pie that you bake.”

A smile formed on her face as she looked down. Droplets fell from her head and onto her dress, the goosebumps on her skin making an appearance. I’m not sure if it was from what I had confessed or the cold, but the rain was getting a little too heavy for my liking.

“You make me fall in love over and over again every morning when I wake up and see you.” 

“As much as I love you too, can we please do this in the car?” she asked, looking up to me and smiling. 

I let out a smirk, “Of course.”

We drove home in silence, the rain on the roof pattering and filling it up. Smiles were plastered on our faces and I was smitten. This woman owned me. She controlled me and was my source of happiness. I was stupid for letting her have this much control over me, but I trusted her. My wife. My beautiful wife. I needed to tell her I loved her more.

“What sparked the conversation tonight in the rain?” She asked as I turned the ignition off in our driveway.

I sat and watched the rain trickle down the window.

“A thought crossed my head about Josh.”

“Tonight was about us, not Josh.”

I nodded, “No, I know.”

The heater was on full blast to warm us up and dry us off, but now the windows were starting to steam up and encase us in our car.

“I need to tell you that I love you more because I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Jenna’s eyes stuck to me. The moonlight revealed the build-up of water in her eyes, but they didn’t spill over. They were blinked back and her face turned.

“Please don’t think like that,” she whispered. “If anything happened to you…”

I didn’t want her to finish that sentence. The rain had slowed, but the droplets were bigger.

“Come on,” I started, “Let’s go inside.”

She nodded, forcing a smile. 

“I love you, Ty.”

“I love you too. You’re forever stuck with me, Jenna.”

A grin which effortlessly covered her face set me off. “I’m the luckiest girl to be forever stuck with you.”

Inside, the house was dark and lit up by only a few lamps. Two mugs of tea were made before Jenna headed upstairs, my own hands finding the lid to the piano. It was pushed up. 

On the top lay a few books. I had taught Sophia a few songs and fished out some books I had learnt with when I was younger to help, but one which stood out was a navy blue notebook. I hadn’t noticed it at the time, but now I realised what it was. 

The front page was peeled back as if it would fall away in my hands, scribbles and drawings and notes filling up the blank pages. It was placed in front of me on the sheet stand.

This energy… it swam through my veins. Notes that belonged together were played effortlessly, my eyes softly closing as my hands took over on the piano. Every single thought, feeling, worry. They just disappeared. Dissolved. Wiped away. 

It was weird. Nostalgic. When I was younger, in school, I would sit up until the early hours of the morning and try to figure out the meaning of life. The meaning of my life. Would I be devoted to religion? My future spouse? Which career would I fall upon? How would I die?

Those thoughts… they swam around in my head daily and caused a crack. A lot of my teenage years were a blur, but I’m not quite sure why. All I have left is my notebooks. I haven’t shared them with Jenna, but she knows they exist. Her respect for me still being private about certain things makes me love her even more. 

Although I don’t remember writing them, the feeling is still there. As my eyes trace the words on the page, this uncomfortable feeling fills my stomach. I’m on a ship at sea, swaying up and down and sideways. The captain is nowhere to be seen, but I know that I am heading for land. 

Some have chords. Some, just words. 

Suddenly, I place the book on the floor and return to the upright position. My hands hover above the keys, my eyes scanning the white blocks and my cogs in my brain being dusted off and turned. I adjust the position of where my hands will fall, and they meet the keys perfectly.

A beautiful note fills the room as I begin to write my first song in over a decade.

“You know… I’ve always been collected, calm and chill.”


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you all think? I hope you're liking it so far. Thank you for reading.

“You need to take some time, Josh.” I quietly spoke. “We can look after Sophia. Take a few days and just do whatever it is that will help you get out of this.”

I was speaking to a shell of a human. A thin, fragile shell with nothing but the air inside. One wrong move and it will smash into pieces.

This time, though, the shell was listening.

“Come on, buddy,” I said, offering my hand.

It was taken and he stood from his couch, his eyes staying as far away from mine as they could.

“Jenna can help Sophia pack. We’ll take care of her, don’t worry.”

He almost smirked, his eyebrows pinching together. “It’s not her I’m worried about.”

I barely heard his comment, but I knew he was right. 

“I know,” I whispered before clearing my throat. “Get this place and yourself cleaned up. It’ll be okay.”

It was decided, in the best interest of Sophia, that Josh would have a few days to himself. We suggested he visit family or spend it focusing on things he loves doing. Or, loved doing. I constantly reassured him that we would be there for him if we were needed, but he insisted that he needed to do this alone after we had spoken more.

To help out, Sophia came to stay at ours. We were lucky enough to have a house big enough for guests, two extra bedrooms always open to whoever needed it. Sophia had gradually left things at ours as she often stayed a night during school holidays. Toothbrushes, socks and even teddy bears. Although she hadn’t stayed for a while recently, all of her belongings were kept in one of the spare rooms and we always made her aware that she was welcome.

Today, she was happy to take that offer. I think they had been getting frustrated with each other. Josh… he doesn’t know how to be a dad, I don’t think. He gets frustrated and angry and takes it out on Sophia by yelling or arguing. Don’t get me wrong, he loves the kid to pieces. The anger and darkness towards himself comes out on other people. Sophia has explained to us that she gets confused sometimes because she’s being told off but she doesn’t know why, or her dad is angry and she doesn’t know how to help.

It’s tough trying to explain emotions like that. Jenna usually does the talks as she can break it down easier for her and Sophia takes it on like a champ. But there are some things we just can’t explain to her. 

“What are we going to watch tonight?” I heard Jenna ask, the front door being closed behind her. 

I was working up the dining table waiting for them to get back from the store. When Sophia ran into the room, I smiled and closed the laptop. 

“How are you? Did you get lots of movie snacks?” I asked, catching her in a hug.

She looked tired.

Nodding, “Hundreds! How is my Ty?”

Jenna had walked into the room and heard her remark.

“Excuse me, he’s my Ty.”

I smirked at the two girls arguing over who owned me. I didn’t mind.

Sophia laughed a little and ran over to her bags, picking them up and hopping upstairs to her usual room.

“She looks tired.”

Jenna nodded, concern on her face. “I just hope these few days will give them both a rest and then they can start fresh.”

I paused and looked to the floor, the thought that had been swirling in my head for days trying to surface and make itself heard.

“What is it?”

Looking up, I took in a breath. “Do you think Josh will be okay?”

We both knew the answer, but we hoped for the best outcome.

“I think he needs this break. We’re here for him. He just needs some time.”

“But I know he’s just going to sit on his own and sulk and that’s not going to end well.”

The arguments in my head were going back and forth like a ping pong match. Frantic.

Jenna sighed and shrugged, “We have to give him some time. For his own sake and Sophia’s.”

I nodded and looked back to the floor. A warm, comforting hand lay on my shoulder. 

“One day at a time,” she whispered, planting a kiss on my forehead before making her way upstairs.

A while later, my two girls appeared in their pyjamas with blankets wrapping them up like burritos. I smiled and laughed a little at the sight, my tired eyes wanting nothing more but to fall into a slumber.

“What a sight. The internet needs to see this.” I muttered, Sophia beginning to squeal and hide behind her blanket when I pulled out my phone. 

Jenna giggled and snatched my phone from my hand, “No phone. We take our movie nights seriously.”

Sophia pulled a face behind Jenna and wagged her finger at me, mimicking the telling off I had just received. I pouted, which only made the laughter continue. In no time, we were sprawled out on the couch with a Disney film on.

The room was quiet, apart from the movie. Jenna, as usual, was engrossed in the story and songs and jokes. Every so often, she would gasp or laugh out loud at the script. I loved how dramatic she was with the tiniest of things.

“Can we make a music video tomorrow?” Sophia chirped up, pulling me from my daydream. “My friend at school made one with his Dad and it looked really cool.”

I smiled with curiosity, “Uh, sure. What song were you thinking?”

Jenna snapped away from the TV, “Oh! We could do that new one on the radio that I like!”

Sophia and I chuckled at the enthusiasm of Jenna. She had no idea what the song was called. To help us identify it, she started to mumble some of the lyrics to a dispersed melody. It took a while, but I did actually realise what song it was. I just wanted to see how far Jenna would go with singing it.

“I know that one! Let’s do it!” Sophia yelled with excitement.

Shaking my head laughing, “Alright. That’s settled then. Tomorrow, we shall make a music video.”


	7. Seven

It felt normal. It felt like a home I never knew I had. Bass which carried such complex drum beats fed my bloodstream, my head nodding along and my foot tapping. Sophia would twirl and shake and kick as if it were an Olympic sport. She looked happy. Safe.

Jenna was on camera, but I managed to pull her into the shot a few times. Sophia’s laughter filled the spare bedroom up to the brim. This yellow cloud of sunshine fed through into the space, the moment being wrapped in cotton clouds to protect it.

“Twirl, Ty!” Sophia yelled over the music, grabbing my hands and getting me to twirl awkwardly under her arm.

Jenna jumped into the frame, “Can I twirl?”

Sophia jumped up and down before grabbing Jenna’s hands and repeating the dance move. Shortly after, the song ended. The camera would be moved, and we would record all over again.

“Okay, this one I’m going to play the guitar,” Sophia announced.

We had dug out some inflatable instruments from our fancy dress collection, some boxes being turned over upside-down to create a drum kit. Sophia had even decorated the card to make it look like a kit, our band name plastered across the front of the biggest.

“I think you should do this on your own, then I’ll join in,” I suggested, popping the plastic stopper into the air-filled rubber.

Nodding, she took the guitar from me.

Jenna placed a warm hand on my shoulder, “I’m exhausted.”

“Me too,” I mumbled, laughing a little.

The record button was pressed, the music was restarted, and I watched in awe as the girl effortlessly ‘played’ her guitar.

We went on like this for several hours, barely stopping between takes to hydrate. Lunch was inhaled with hungry hands grabbing all we could of Jenna’s sandwiches. They were only sandwiches, but she knew exactly how much sauce to put in and how much filling. Perfect.

After a few more takes, I sat down at the desktop computer we had and pulled all the footage into a file. I shook my head slightly in disbelief at the amount of footage we had, but I knew it would be worth it. Sophia was happy and our video would be much, much better than the kid she got the idea from. I’d be lying if I said my competitive side hadn’t revealed itself.

It didn’t take long for me to create a rough version of our masterpiece. Hilarious clips smashed together with the track lacked time to rest my smile. The video was silly, yes, but needed. Having time like this to focus on being stupid and tacky gave me a respite I didn’t know I needed. Maybe it gave Sophia and Jenna that, too.

“How’s it going?”

My head turned to see Sophia who had entered the room, a plate of cookies in hand. I smiled and patted my knee. Without hesitation, she climbed aboard and made herself comfortable.

A cookie in hand, she nibbled away and watched the creation unfold in front of her. She giggled and gasped and yelled for Jenna to come and watch, crumbs falling onto me and the floor as my arm around her waist held her tight.

“That was awesome!” she yelled, her hands clapping.

I nodded and took a cookie from the plate, “It’s not finished yet, but it’s going to be the best.”

Sophia’s head turned to look at me. The room was quiet and I heard Jenna in the kitchen, dishes clashing together in a muffled volume. Her smile gradually retreated from her cheeks and the reality of her going home the next day haunting me.

“I wish you were my dad,” she quietly stated.

My own smile faltered at her words. The beating in my chest slowed. In a way, I agreed with her. It’s just how it was, though. We had to work with what we were given, no matter how painful.

“You actually love me.”

I shook my head before I could come up with words, my eyebrows furrowing together. “Your dad loves you, Sophia. Believe me.”

The smile I had grown familiar to was completely destroyed. Nonexistent. Jenna and I knew how bad things were and every day we wished for something to change, but I don’t think we really understood what it was doing mentally to both of them.

“Why doesn’t he get better? If he loved me, he would get better.”

You could hear my heart shatter, I swear. This poor kid was lost in a sea of confusion and neglect. All I wanted to do was hold her close and never let her out of my sight, but I knew that doing that was not my job. It was Josh’s. He needed to step up.

“Soph,” I started, choosing my words carefully. “Your dad is going through a lot right now. In his head. It’s not easy for him to show how he feels or talk about it, and his feelings get mixed up and sometimes come out wrong.”

The girl was listening, her bright eyes focusing on my face. I’d never really had one of these conversations with her. Jenna was the best at them. It was like walking on broken glass.

“Instead of talking about it, he might get angry or sad. He might say something he doesn’t mean or shut himself away. It’s not his fault, and we’re doing all we can to help him.”

Sophia looked down at her lap and nodded.

“It’s not easy to understand, I know,” I mumbled, “But, I promise you, he loves you.”

For a moment, I wondered if my words were enough. I wondered if they were the right ones in the right order, my brain analysing the situation before it was even complete.

“Ty?” Sophia asked, looking back up at me, “Will you promise that you’ll always be by my side?”

Looking at her in front of me, her eyes wide and hopeful, I couldn’t help but well up. There was so much she was probably trying to understand and I had no choice to be an anchor for her.

“Of course. I promise.”

The girl held up her pinky finger and we shook gently, a weak smile being sent her way.

My mind pondered over our short conversation for the rest of the week. The day Sophia went home, Josh seemed a little better. His hair was neat and his clothes were clean, eyes open and willing. He thanked us quietly and held his daughter's hand all the way to his truck, helping her into the passenger seat. Sun was breaking through the misty clouds and illuminating a path. Things were okay. Things were scary. Promises had been made and videos had been completed, the memories being locked away in a special box.

I loved that kid. So, so much. Josh was lucky to have her.


End file.
